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The Ins and Outs of Cuckolding, a Fetish That’s Becoming More Mainstream
Some might find the idea of watching their partner in bed with someone else as nightmarish, so unthinkable that the mere thought triggers intense jealousy. For others, it could be a total turn-on. Unfamiliar with this particular brand of kink? Well, there’s a term for it: cuckolding.
Maybe you heard the word in 2011’s “Crazy, Stupid, Love” as Steve Carrell moaned violently at the bar about his wife’s affair. Perhaps you learned of it just recently via the scandal involving Jerry Falwell, Jr., his wife, and the pool boy. Either way, you should know that cuckolding is actually a surprisingly common fetish, and there are many misconceptions about what it entails.
RELATED: Top 10: Fetishes
According to certified clinical sexologist Dr. Dawn Michael, PhD, “cuckold” is the second most looked-up porn category (after youth, according to a 2012 book). In other words, whether or not they act on it, there’s plenty of individuals out there that are titillated by the idea of a person watching their spouse get frisky with an outsider.
But what about this particular fetish exactly makes it so popular? And can it ever actually work within the framework of a healthy relationship? We spoke to three sex experts to get the lowdown on cuckolding (especially why some people find it hot AF).
What Is Cuckolding?
Basically, cuckolding involves someone getting aroused by observing their partner having sex with someone else.
Not to be confused with a threesome, in a cuckold situation, the cuck doesn’t get in on the fun — they get off merely by watching the escapades that go down in front of them.
Cuckolding isn’t technically considered cheating as it doesn’t occur behind the partner’s back. in fact, not only has the cuck given permission to their partner to have sex with another person, they’re also typically encouraging it.
Is It Only Men That Want to Be Cucked?
According to Dr. Michael, cuckolding is primarily a male-driven fantasy. However, that’s not to say there aren’t ladies with this fetish as well. When a woman enjoys watching her husband with someone else, it’s known as “cuckqueaning.”
How Common Is Cuckolding?
A survey of about 4,200 Americans conducted by Justin Lehmiller, founder and editor of Sex and Psychology, revealed that more than half of men and about a third of women had fantasized about cuckolding.
Keep in mind that just because they thought about their partner with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean they went through with acting on the fantasy. Interestingly, Lehmiller’s study also found that gay and bisexual men are more likely than heterosexual men, while lesbian and bisexual women are more likely to have cuckolding fantasies, too.
Why Do Some Couples Enjoy Cuckolding So Much?
There are a wide variety of reasons why someone might be into cuckolding.
Clinical sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Laurel Steinberg, PhD, notes that for some, the act serves as a confirmation of just how hot their partner is, which can be a nice ego boost. Another scenario might have one partner with an insatiable sexual appetite that the other can’t fulfill, and since they want to make them happy, they get off vicariously by watching someone else pleasure them.
“For one of my clients who is a male cuck, he revels in the humiliation that the woman is getting greater pleasure than he can provide,” says Davia Frost, certified sex & relationship coach and founder of Frosted Pleasure. “[Men] see a cuckold scenario as a safe way for their woman to have relations with such an individual without love or conflicting feelings. It can be more animalistic and sexual and stimulate partners mentally.”
But for lots of people, the enjoyment that comes from cuckolding stems from the thrill of breaking conventional societal rules around monogamy and marriage.
How Does Cuckolding Work, Exactly?
For cuckolding to go down as part of a healthy, happy relationship, both partners need to be on board. Similar with threesomes, and other fantasies or fetishes involving outside people, it’s crucial to talk it over with your partner to make sure it’s something you both feel comfortable with.
“One misunderstanding can cause a partner to feel terrible emotional pain and have bad memories that last a lifetime, so plan carefully,” says Steinberg. “Have many, many conversations during which you detail exactly what you plan on doing and what the other people will be doing. Be as descriptive as possible, including discussing how you relate to the event when it is over.”
Additionally, their trust should be rock solid before bringing another person into the bedroom.
“Boundaries must be discussed beforehand,” states Michael. “The couple should also talk about why they want to explore cuckolding and what the turn-ons are for each other. With many cuckold experiences, the husband is the one wanting to watch his wife have sex with another man, and in many instances be submissive and either just want to watch or have some involvement. Not all situations of cuckold fall into a specific category, so it really needs to be discussed what the expectations are.”
Very often, cuckolding works out better in fantasy than it does when it plays out in real life. Just because you enjoy the idea of your partner getting it on with someone else in front of you doesn’t mean you can actually handle it in real life.
“The few cases where it has worked out was when the couple was older, the kids were grown and out of the house, and the man was no longer sexually performing as he wished to be,” adds Michael. “The relationship between husband and wife was solid and mature.”
Since acting on this fantasy can be a big step in any relationship, Frost highly advises starting slow with a gradual ease into the full thing.
“I recommend watching someone give your partner a sensual massage, setting the whole scene and everything,” she explains. “If that’s too much for you to handle, please speak your truth with your partner.”
Frost also points out that for some couples, just talking about or entertaining the possibility of cuckolding can be enough to turn them on. An example could be discussing what they would want to see their partner do with someone else, or by having their partner tell them about past sexual encounters.
Is cuckolding for everyone? Certainly not. But if you decide to boldly explore this fetish, heed the above advice and just be sure cover the two C’s: communication and consent.
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Dating In Your 40s Has Never Been Easier
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
Still dating over 40? Perhaps you have yet to find someone you’d like to tie the knot with. Or, maybe you’ve finally recovered following the messy, painful aftermath of a divorce, and you’re ready to get back out there and test the waters. Or maybe you have been so hyper-focused on building a career, investing in the right deals and preparing for the future that you forgot your soul needed a game plan as much as your brain did.
No matter the reasons why you find yourself single after the age of 40, diving back into the pool of eligibility can bring hesitation, confusion and fear. After all, you are no longer an innocent teenager. You have been around the block — and then some — and you are likely more stuck in your ways than you realize. So what next?
How to Meet Singles Over 40
Dating in your 40s can be tricky. Particularly if you’re on the dating market for the first time after years (or even decades) of being married, you might not have a sense yet for what dating is like in 2019, given how quickly dating culture is changing nowadays.
The first thing you should know is that everyone (yes, everyone) is online. Singles nights, speed dating and asking out your coworker are now relics of a long-forgotten past; while it’s still technically possible to start a budding romance via real-life interactions, the preferred mode of finding a date is to do so online.
That’s because 1) you can be confident that everyone on a dating site is actually looking to meet someone, which you can’t be confident about at, say, the grocery store, and 2) you’ll save yourself a lot of time and energy by going to the place where everyone congregates for this exact purpose.
That means screwing your courage to the sticking point, signing up for a site or two (or downloading an app or two) and getting ready to e-mingle. As a 40-something, you might not have all the finer details of online dating down just yet, but fear not! The people you’re messaging will be in the same boat — or at least, a similar one.
After a month or two of checking out people’s profiles, sending and receiving messages, and (hopefully!) going on some dates, you’ll have a pretty good idea of how the whole thing works. All that’s left is to find the right person for you — so what are you waiting for?
The Best Dating Sites for People Over 40
Once you hit 40, dating sites and apps can seem a little strange. Many of the more modern options that promote swiping your way to a good time — like Bumble, Tinder, or Hinge — might skew a little young and frivolous for your liking. Or, in other words, if you are aiming for a serious encounter, you need to put your energy in the right direction. Therefore, you should focus your attention on catered dating websites and apps that cater to the over-40 age group and the type of relationship you’re seeking.
You’re more likely to meet people you want on a site that aligns with your values and needs, and online dating will be a lot easier and less stressful if your potential matches have been pre-screened for your needs. You already know how to best use your time on other tasks — at work or at the gym — so why not be productive in your love life, too?
Before you jump in, make sure you’re not fooled (or overwhelmed) by the endless options. As with any website that requires your personal information — like your credit card, location and more — it’s important to read through the fine print of any website you browse. You don’t want to invest your energy, confidence and hard-earned dough into something that isn’t worth it. Not sure where to start or how to proceed? Luckily, we’ve completed the deep dive for you and have narrowed down the top sites to focus your energy and time. Though these are safe choices, there are some untrustworthy sites that make promises they can’t keep — from fake members to guaranteeing success.
These recommended destinations for those looking to engage in some over-40 dating attract those who are not only in your age range but on your same page. Who knows? You might score more than a date this weekend — you could find… the one:
Zoosk
While Zoosk might not be popular with the younger American crowd, this international dating app has quite a presence around the world. With more than 35 million members – from the United Kingdom and Canada to Australia and throughout Europe – this app is definitely ideal if your fast-paced career has you traveling far and wide. You have the opportunity to meet singles from many countries, casting a much wider net than you would stateside. Since its founding more than a decade ago, Zoosk has invested in what it means to create a lasting, loving connection, changing its algorithm and offerings throughout the years to meet its members’ needs.
One feature that sets them apart from competitors is how they measure and track the validity of photos. When you start venturing into your 40s, you might be wary of users who look unreasonably younger than they should, but when you’re touring Zoosk, you never have to worry. They designed this app so that you’re not paired with someone who is representing themselves 10 years and 20 pounds ago, but rather, as they are today. How does it work? If Zoosk can’t verify a photo you uploaded, you’ll be asked to provide a video as proof. In addition to this safeguard against liars, they also use what they call ‘proprietary behavioral matchmaking engine’ that makes recommendations based on how you message, how you surf, what matters to you and how you click around. Though Zoosk does require a paid membership to truly interact, those who are in the market for love post-40 swear by its success, so if you’re an older man looking to get into internet dating, it’s the ideal place to start.
Find out more at Zoosk.com
Match
As one of the most trusted and beloved dating sites, Match.com has used their 23 years of existence to bring together thousands of couples. While the company has evolved over time, they stay true to their belief that long-term relationships can be cultivated from online to in-person, thanks to thoughtful and meaningful profiles that get to the heart of their users. While you will be paying for one month, three months, six months or a year through their various subscriptions, what you reap in return is well-worth the investment. But consider yourself warned, it is an investment, indeed.
Unlike a lot of online dating sites, when you first sign-up for Match.com, you’ll need to carve out some time (preferably with a glass of your go-to beverage) to answer several questions. Here is where being specific and honest about your hopes in dating become more important: Match.com sends you recommended singles based on these responses. And beyond their algorithm, it’s reasonable to conclude the people who are on Match are looking for something serious, meaning they’ll actually take the time to comb through your page.
Another perk of joining Match is their blossoming secondary company, Stir. Depending on where you’re located, you can browse through local events – from happy hours to kickball games and day trips – that bring together users based on interest. This can be a more exciting way to meet singles in your area that are Match users, without having a long conversation back and forth.
Find out more at Match.com
Elite Singles
For another way to find love, you might consider this international player in the dating market, Elite Singles. When you first sign-up, you’ll go through their unique personality test, organized in 10 sections, that asks everything from your background and education to your value system and your interests. Based on the ‘Five Factor Model’ theory of personality traits, it uses trusted logic from psychology to truly provide reputable matches.
This means that unlike most dating sites where you can browse through hundreds of profiles as often and frequently as you’d like, this destination uses the results of your test to present 3 to 7 suitors per day. Especially if you’re someone who tends to get stressed by a plethora of option – or you don’t want to waste time browsing instead of dating – this might be the best option for your lifestyle. It is important to note that while reviews are mixed for this site, its reputation continues to be stellar for those 40 and over, in particular.
Find out more at EliteSingles.com
eHarmony
Another dating site that’s been around for decades is eHarmony. And for good reason: they use a proprietary questionnaire around beliefs, emotional health, skill sets, characteristics and more to create “happy couples.” The keyword, of course, is couples: eHarmony isn’t a site designed for hookups or random flings, but they truly focus and foster a committed approach to love. You’ll notice the more time you spend on eHarmony, the more success you’ll have, since their software takes note of how much time you spend on profiles, what you search for and more.
While eHarmony has matched together twosomes for more than a decade, it wasn’t until last year that they gave their users a glimpse into the process. Starting in 2017, a now-popular feature ‘The Two of You Together’ became available to all members, showing the specific data on why you should probably message that cutie already. As a paid service, eHarmony is among the top options for heterosexual men.
Find out more at eHarmony.com
Love Again
For a great spot to score a date past 40, look no further than Love Again. It’s designed specifically for mature daters (yes, that’s you), so you’ll enjoy the ease, the simplicity and the purpose behind this app. Since you likely want to spend less time thumbing away long-winded apps and more time meeting your could-be partner over drinks, a game of tennis or overlooking art at a gallery opening, you might find this app to be a more natural way to create connection. Depending on your style, you can browse through profiles, join group chats, instant message folks you’re really interested in, ask questions in forums and more.
While it’s not as racy or modern as other competitors on the market, for a way to get started without getting frustrated, you’ll enjoy having many more potential dates within your desired age range. Especially since, hey, that means you have more of an opportunity to truly fall for a person who is looking for the same future you are.
Find out more at LoveAgain.com
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An Illustrated Guide to Becoming a Better Kisser
Is there anything more embarrassing than being thought of as a bad kisser?
Hearing that you don’t know how to kiss can be a crushing blow to your self-esteem, ruining what you thought was a perfect, romantic moment. Experience or not, being told you’re a bad kisser implies that every kiss you’ve planted on someone in the past, rather than exciting for the other person, might actually have been somewhat unpleasant.
RELATED: How to Kiss, Explained
But how, if it’s even possible, does one become “good“ at kissing? What are the best kissing positions to try, and the best kissing techniques to master?
AskMen spoke to a few experts in order to unravel the mysteries of what makes a good kisser. As it turns out, there’s a focus on knowledge — knowing what to try, when to try it and how to talk about it.
How Body Language and Positioning Can Improve a Kiss
If you’re a rookie when it comes to kissing, you might not have thought much about what to do with any part of you except your lips. Sure, your lips are the focal point of a kiss, but they’re far from the only body part to consider.
The way you hold, use and place the rest of your body can have a massive impact on how the kiss feels, how enjoyable it is for all parties involved, as well as whether it will transition into something more than just kissing.
“You can convey your desires, mood, intentions and personality via body language,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast. “For example, if you pull your partner close and look them in the eye with intensity, you can let them know just how badly you want them without uttering a word.”
On the other hand, your body language and kissing techniques can also convey a less intense, more chaste approach if that’s what you want to put across.
RELATED: When to Kiss Your Date, Revealed
“If you start by planting gently kisses across their skin while looking at them out of the corner of your eye, they might pick up on your playful mood,” points out O’Reilly.
Your approach to a kiss can convey all kinds of different sentiments, and once you know that, you’re well on your way to becoming a better, more confident kisser.
“The beautiful thing about kissing is that you fully want to connect and engage with your partner,” says sex educator Kenneth Play. “Your body language can communicate that engagement! You can exert confidence, closeness, holding space, playfulness, and so much more by how you hold yourself during the kiss. You can actually share a lot of your personality with a kiss.”
How to Amp Up Your Kissing Game
What Is the Best Position for Kissing?
Now that you know how much kissing can be impacted by your body language, you might be wondering what the best kissing position is.
For starters, it’s important to recognize that there’s not necessarily any one best position for kissing. Each kiss will be good or bad to the people engaging in it based on their subjective experiences. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any good options that are generally pleasant to most people — if these positions don’t work for you or the person you’re kissing, there’s nothing wrong with that.
That being said, one of the most classic kissing positions looks something like the above with two people facing each other, their faces close, using their hands to hold onto each other.
“Can you use your hands to caress their cheeks or press your body firmly against theirs?” suggests O’Reilly. “Can you play with their hair or place your hand on the small of their back? Consider multiple points of contact, and change things up so that your kissing routine doesn’t become predictable.”
Carlee Ranger
For Play, on top of using your hands, a great approach is to make use of the surrounding environment — in this case, a wall.
“Be close to each other so you can engage in touching, teasing or petting as you kiss,” he says. “If you’re both kinky, for instance, using your position to press your lover against the wall demonstrates dominance in a subtle way during the kiss, making them feel vulnerable even as you contrast that with a gentle kiss.”
If there aren’t any walls around, or you’re simply in the mood, one great option is to pick your partner up off the ground entirely. In this situation, O’Reilly says you can “have them wrap their legs around your waist” for stability, depending on how strong you are and how much your partner weighs, of course.
Carlee Ranger
Regardless of which position you’re trying, the best kissing position will be one where you’re conscious of the vibe the person you’re kissing is giving off.
“Follow your partner’s lead,” says O’Reilly. “If they lean into you, consider leaning into them. If they pull back and kiss you gently, try doing the same.”
If Your Heights Don’t Match Up While Kissing
One important factor when it comes to kissing is how tall you both are.
RELATED: Why Women Love Tall Guys (& What Short Guys Can Do)
Kisses are easiest when your heights come close to matching up, but sometimes, one person will be taller than the other. However, that doesn’t mean making out will ultimately lead to some uncomfortable neck strain. Kissing lying down on your sides means you can align your heights quite easily. And if you don’t have a bed? Go for a seated kiss when you or your partner sits on something that helps adjust your heights to match.
Carlee Ranger
“Prop her up on a ledge (think cute kitchen counter kisses),” suggests Play. “Or dip her a little, like you’re dancing, to bring her lower. Again, you want to ultimately be comfortable so you can focus on the kiss, so think of subtle changes.”
What Is the Best Technique for Kissing?
If you’re at the stage of a relationship where kissing is all you’re doing, knowing different kissing techniques can help to keep things from getting too repetitive.
As with kissing positions, there’s no one technique that will thrill every single person, so try different ones to see what your partner responds to.
Carlee Ranger
Probably the most famous and well-known kissing technique is using your tongue as part of the kiss, softly slipping it inside your partner’s mouth as they do the same. This is known as “French kissing” or “deep kissing.”
While many people don’t feel comfortable kissing with tongue when they’re still getting used to kissing someone else on the lips, others want to jump in and start French kissing more or less immediately. Hopefully, you and your partner will be on the same page, but if you’re not, forcing someone to engage in a form of kissing they don’t want to is a violation of consent.
As Play notes, a good thing to keep in mind is figuring out a good angle to kiss at.
“If your noses aren’t ‘compatible,’ learn the right tilt to keep you both comfortable, sexy and not nose-bumping,” he says. Alternatively, you can also switch back and forth between kissing them from one side of their nose and the other every so often to keep things fresh.
Another good technique, according to Play, is one outlined in the 2005 Will Smith classic, “Hitch.” As he puts it, “get really close, 90 percent there, almost lips touching, and then pull back a bit, building that desire for your lips to finally meet.”
Kissing Techniques to Avoid
While kissing done right can be an incredible experience, kissing done wrong can be deeply unpleasant. Probably the worst thing you can do as a kisser is force a kiss on someone who doesn’t want one.
RELATED: What You Should Understand About Consent
However, even if the other person does want you to kiss them, it can still make for an unpleasant experience if you approach it the wrong way with the wrong techniques.
For starters, O’Reilly thinks it’s important to make kissing a priority in your relationship even once you’ve become sexually active.
“Don’t relegate kissing to so-called foreplay,” she says. “Kiss for the sake of pleasure itself sometimes. Some research suggests that men tend to kiss out as a means to an end, [and] women view kissing as a barometer with which to gauge their lover’s commitment and monitor their relationship status.”
That being said, one thing to be conscious of is the possibility of getting too intense when trying out French kissing techniques.
“Don’t shove your tongue down your lover’s throat unless they’ve indicated that they like deep kissing,” notes O’Reilly. “Instead, start slow and shallow. Run your tongue gently around their inner lips. Slide it around cupid’s arrow on the outside (the upper line of the lip), or slip it under the upper lip against their frenulum (the tiny notch of skin right in the centre above the teeth).”
Play also believes too much tongue (and saliva) too soon could be detrimental to your kissing game.
“Don’t get super slobbery or too intense with the tongue right off the bat,” he says. “Wait until that’s something clearly indicated that they want, or until the kisses are really hot and heavy. Read their kissing body language — not everyone is into kissing, and some people want to devour your soul through your lips. Know your audience, and act accordingly.”
With all this information, however, you’ll be well on your way to being the kind of person your kissing partner does want to French for the next hour — and possibly even longer.
All illustrations by Carlee Ranger.
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How to Support a Black Partner During Racially Charged Times
Today, that promotional image you see of a mixed-race family smiling together at a fast food restaurant or an young interracial couple shopping at a hip furniture store might be focus group-tested as exemplifying the best of contemporary capitalism.
But not too long ago, the idea of people from different racial backgrounds loving each other was far from commonplace — particularly white and Black people in America, where such relationships were, in fact, criminalized.
RELATED: How to Help the Black Lives Matter Cause
Though this racist law was overturned in America by the landmark Loving v. Virginia case in 1967, interracial relationships can still prove difficult in ways that same-race relationships might not.
Problems can arise in terms of each partner confronting the other’s understandings of race, culture and privilege, for one, and also in terms of the way you’re treated as a unit by the outside world, whether as an object of fascination or derision (both often concealing racist prejudices). And tensions like that can be especially amplified when the national discourse around race intensifies, as it has since the killing of George Floyd by Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin on May 25.
In order to better understand how to properly support a partner of color as an ally in the time of the Black Lives Matter movement, AskMen went to the source, speaking with Nikki and Rafael, two individuals whose partners are black. Here’s what they had to say:
Talking About Race With a Black Partner
Depending on the dynamic of your relationship, you may already talk about race a fair amount.
But whether it’s something you’ve been actively avoiding, or it simply doesn’t seem to come up much at all, it’s worth exploring why in order to make a change.
Unfortunately, because America and many other Western nations have deep-rooted anti-Black sentiments running through them, your partner’s experiences with anti-Black racism are likely a non-trivial portion of who they are. Never discussing that with them means you’re missing out on a big chunk of your partner’s true self.
RELATED: How Black Men Move Through the World and Why Change Is Needed
“The topic of race has come up in conversation between me and my fiancé from the very beginning of our relationship,” says Nikki, who’s been with her partner since 2017. “We’ve discussed how people react to our relationship from both Black and white perspectives — from simply walking down the street to getting dinner at a restaurant, we have always been observant and aware of others.”
She notes that these conversations would come up as the two “encountered prejudice,” noting instances of people looking, occasionally speaking directly to them, and even “being pulled over once for no reason.”
The Black Lives Matter movement has only encouraged more “heightened and deepened discussion more recently,” adds Nikki.
As for Rafael, who’s been dating his girlfriend for about eight months, race comes up “naturally in conversation often, on a weekly or probably daily basis.”
“My girlfriend works for a prestigious Black dance company and we both keep up with news, current events, movies and music,” he says. Race plays a role in all aspects of our culture, so it would be strange to not talk about it.”
Supporting Your Partner When They’re Facing Racism
If you’re only just beginning to talk about race with your Black partner, you might not yet have a solid grounding in how to support them when they’re facing racism, whether that’s systemic or personal, implicit or explicit, intentional or not.
RELATED: AMPLIFY: AskMen Elevates Black Voices
1. Recognize Racism’s Role in Your Own Life
It’s important to recognize that white people are born into an already existant racist culture, and it’s impossible to properly tackle racist issues until you can recognize how it’s factored into your own upbringing.
“Be an ally,” says Rafael. “Come to the table with an understanding that we all function within a racist system, and therefore either benefit from white privilege or in the case of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) individuals, are marginalized/held back by racism. Most if not all white people have done, said, or participated in racist behavior at some point. Denying that we participate in a racist system is foolish and not true. Start there.”
It’s fixable by asking your partner to help educate you, or simply by recognizing the role you have to play in your journey towards anti-racism by educating yourself and others around you.
2. Listen to Your Partner’s Truths
You may be used to communicating with your partner about weekend plans and where to eat for dinner, but that should also extend to their experiences with racism and anti-Blackness.
Even if they’re subjects you feel uncomfortable bringing up, it’s important not to shy away from them or make your partner feel bad for bringing them up.
“It is imperative as his fiancée that I listen and support,” says Nikki of her partner. “I allow him to express his feelings freely, offering a place of comfort. When he was ready to open up and have those deep conversations, I was there to listen. I believe that this is very important in supporting a Black partner, especially during this time.”
3. Be Willing to Have Difficult Conversations…
Beyond just listening to your partner, you should also work to create spaces for them to talk to you about what they’re going through. That could be direct experiences with racism, feelings surrounding the racism they see on social media or in the media, or both.
“It seems basic, but asking how their day is or how they’re feeling are important,” says Rafael. “Those simple questions could open the door for your partner to tell you about a racist interaction they experienced, or how they’re feeling about the ongoing cases of police brutality that are constantly in the news.”
Nikki said her and her partner have had “some tough conversations” as of late, covering the “true, hard reality of what is going on.”
When we look at the future we talk about the hardships he might face as he looks for new jobs, travels, runs alone or simply goes to the grocery store alone,” she states.
4. …But Don’t Push Them on Your Partner
However, a person experiencing trauma might just need a break from the pain. Your partner likely wants someone who is willing to go there when they are, but also someone who can understand when not to.
“I like to make it known that I’m always open to talk about racial issues and injustice, but also not force those conversations,” says Rafael. “It could be the case that your partner is inundated with images, articles and videos of violence towards Black people all day long, and they’re exhausted by it. When they come home they may want to rest, take a breather, relax, have a meal, watch Netflix, etc,, and in those cases, I try to facilitate and foster that space. Supporting can mean different things at different times. I take my cue from my partner.”
Working on Your Own Anti-Black Racism
One of the most valuable things you can do, both as a partner of a Black person and as a human being, is work towards unlearning the racist ideas that you were unknowingly raised believing and work towards what author Ibram X. Kendi calls “being an antiracist.”
That is, it’s not enough to be free of racial prejudice — you also need to work actively against the racism that exists in the world, racism that’s corrosive to your partner’s well-being, and the well-being of all racialized people.
Recognizing Less Explicit Forms of Racism
White people are often raised to associate racism with extreme acts like lynchings, KKK cross burnings, and the Holocaust, but it’s important to recognize that racism is also present in seemingly benign or less-discussed things.
“In a past relationship with another Black partner, she let me know on numerous occasions that something I said was or did was racist,” admits Rafael. “It was not my intention to do something racist, of course, but nonetheless I had.”
RELATED: AskMen Book Club: Spotlight on Black Authors
“Hearing that I was racist was a shock at first, and I rejected that notion,” he said, feeling that the idea of overt, explicit, hateful racism didn’t line up with who he is.
“’I have black friends and a black girlfriend’ I thought, so how could I hate black people?,” he says. “It took me a while to understand racism and privilege in a more nuanced way and understand it as a system that I’ve benefited from and participated in.”
For instance, when a white person says the N-word, many people correctly recognize that as racist and condemn it. But when a white sports commentator calls a Black athlete “articulate,” they’re also often evincing racist prejudices, since the implication is they believe the average Black athlete to be unintelligent. Similarly, when a white person talks about “bad neighborhoods,” they’re also often evincing racist prejudice, since these are often areas financially abandoned by municipal governments, and their conditions are not the fault of the residents.
Recognizing the little ways that racist acts and feelings are present in our lives and working to eliminate them from your behaviors, thoughts, and vocabularies can make a huge difference when it comes to your Black partner.
Not Getting Defensive When You Slip Up
“Sometimes the way my ex voiced these concerns to me caused me to become defensive,” admits Rafael. “I felt like I was being ‘attacked,’ or she was speaking to me in an angry or confrontational way. The reality is that she was the victim of racism throughout her life, [and] I was not the victim.”
He adds how common it is for “white people to shut down when they are confronted with their own racism.”
“Now, in my current relationship,” says Rafael, “I think I’m better equipped to hear some critiques about myself without a knee-jerk reaction or putting up a wall.”
Working to Educate Others
The next step in being anti-racist is trying to expand your impact and help other people you care about understand the ways that racism functions. Nikki says she and her fiancé have been doing work to that end in light of the resurgent Black Lives Matter movement.
“We have also encouraged family and friends to start having those conversations and speak up and out,” she says. “And I have researched and expanded my knowledge base while my fiancé has gone out and participated in protests.”
Being anti-racist is impossible in a silo — if you are against racism but are quiet when you see other people engaging in various forms of it, you’re complicit in their actions. As Bishop Desmond Tutu said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
Part of being in a relationship with a Black person, as a white person or non-Black person of color, is to side with your partner and other Black people over the people who marginalize and harm them. Though all of this work may sound difficult, Nikki says it’s also extremely powerful.
“Something that I learned by being in an interracial relationship,” she says, “is just how beautiful it is to be in one.”
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The Trick to Joining Raya, One of the Most Exclusive Dating Services Out There
What do Chelsea Handler, Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck, John Mayer, and Channing Tatum have in common? These are just a few of the famous faces who have reportedly been spotted on Raya, the uber-exclusive app that’s been called everything from Illuminati Tinder to the “you can’t sit with us” space of online dating.
If you’re wondering how to get onto Raya, you’re not alone — it’s notoriously hard to break into, and truth be told, it’s supposed to be. After all, it’s the exclusivity factor that makes this app so attractive.
Not only do you feel like a total boss when you’re accepted, but you’ll also potentially have access to more high-quality matches. If you had a choice between hanging with a bunch of randoms or a select group of accomplished and attractive go-getters, you’d probably go for the latter, right? Well, if dating apps were parties, Raya would be the latter.
RELATED: Ben Affleck Is Using His Dating Profile on Raya for a Good Cause
In fact, your pool of options on this exclusive dating app may include A-list actors, high-fashion supermodels, well-known fashion designers and artists, and pro athletes alike. While apps like Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge allow you to use them by merely verifying your identity through a social media account and creating a profile, however, Raya requires a lengthy application process. The bad news? Only about 8% of applicants are accepted, a percentage lower than entry rates into ivy league schools like Dartmouth College and Brown University. The good news? You don’t need to be rich, or a celebrity, to get the seal of approval. All you really need is possession of a few key traits and assets.
Here are the necessary steps you’ll need to take if you’re looking to be accepted to Raya:
How Do You Get Onto Raya? Here’s What You Need to Know
Step 1: Get a referral from a current member
Sometimes it’s all about who you know, and that’s definitely true for Raya. Part of the application process entails selecting a current member from your contact list so that they can provide a referral. It could be a friend, coworker, sibling, or even an acquaintance you met at your buddy’s pickup basketball game. As long as you have their phone number, you’re golden. And while it’s not required, it will likely help your odds quite a bit.
In the app store reviews, one user said they were waitlisted for a full year before getting accepted. “I’m a pretty well-connected dancer/model,” they said. “Got a new gig, met a hot chick already on there. Got a referral and my approval was almost instant.”
Step 2: Have an interesting career
Since Raya prides itself on bringing together creatives and innovators, having a cool job is undoubtedly one of the easiest ways to get approved. During the application process, you’ll be asked to describe your career field with a possible selection of two industries from a menu. You don’t necessarily need to be making a ton of money, but certain occupations that are considered desirable — successful photographers, designers, musicians, entrepreneurs, scientists, and researchers — are certainly a selling point.
While we’re on the subject of your career, bragging about your wealth will not help you get onto Raya. In fact, it could hurt your chances. Raya states on the guidelines and values section of their website that applicants mustn’t “have consistent displays of excessive shows of wealth.” Meaning, you may want to delete those flashy photos and boastful captions about your new Benz and that trip you took to the British Virgin Islands. Not a good look, bro.
Step 3: Rack up a serious social media following
Another aspect of the application process entails providing your Instagram credentials. Sure, they’ll be taking a look at your follower count (having at least a few thousand will likely give you an advantage), but they may also check to see if any other existing Raya users already follow you. Additionally, the kind of content you post can come into play in terms of deciding whether or not you’ll be an asset to the community.
Step 4: Win over an anonymous committee
Raya notes on its official website that “algorithmic values” come into play while assessing applications … whatever that means. But now that you’ve gotten a referral, passed the Instagram test, and proved you have an awesome career, you’ll also need to get approved by “hundreds of members of the committee throughout the world.”
Raya claims that the committee members come from diverse backgrounds, representing a wide range of races, ages, and sexual preferences and interests — in the interest of minimizing potential biases from impacting the approval process.
According to Raya’s website, the best way to win the committee over is being known for or being an expert in something, and sharing a common bond with the Raya community. However, they also look for that “hard to describe ‘something extra’” that “would make the Raya conversation more interesting.”
Interpret that how you will, but basically, it seems like they want members who have something to say, and perhaps a special or unique talent/skill.
Every single application is considered for admittance by Raya, but don’t be surprised if you’re left twiddling your thumbs on the waiting list for weeks or months at a time. In fact, it’s been reported that there are about 100,000 people on the waiting list at any given time.
And if you are denied, don’t bother waiting for a formal rejection notification. Most members who were never accepted have said that even years after they applied, their applications still said “pending.”
As enticing as flirting with the elite may sound, your love life isn’t doomed if you don’t get onto Raya. Even Demi Lovato was once rejected by the app, and “Bachelorette” star Hannah Brown has been on the waitlist for months.
Luckily, there are plenty of other dating apps in the sea, most of which allow you to start looking for love the second that download is complete.
Download Raya here
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Keep It Casual With These Tried-and-True Hookup Apps
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
AskMen’s Editor’s Choice List of The 5 Top-Rated Dating Apps for Hooking Up:
1. OKCupid
2. FriendFinder-X
3. Adult FriendFinder
4. Tinder
5. Pure
Editor’s note: As people across the globe are encouraged to quarantine to prevent further spread of the coronavirus, we also believe it’s important to follow rules of social distancing when dating. Our advice below, while great when seeking someone to date in normal life, is best used when self-isolating is not recommended. In the interim, check out our solutions to dating during COVID-19 times here.
We’re living in a remarkable time where you can scope out potential hookup buddies without ever leaving your couch. That’s right — you don’t even have to buy anyone a drink or even put on pants. What a time to be alive, right?
RELATED: Best Hookup Sites and Apps
The odds are in your favor when you’re using an app that connects you with hundreds of local single women in your area. You’re able to chat up prospective partners at a volume that you wouldn’t be able to recreate if you were out at a bar trying to seal the deal (many have tried, all have failed).
That being said, using an app to get lucky also has its downsides. Putting out feelers for a casual hookup to strangers you haven’t met yet can get dicey fairly quickly. Figuring out the right approach can take some time, too. You want to make your intentions known, but you need to do so in a way that doesn’t come off too strong or make her feel uncomfortable. You’ll need to exchange a few messages to see if you two are feeling each other, but you don’t want to become pen pals with someone you’re just trying to get it on with, either.
Are Dating Apps Just for Hooking Up?
Amusingly, there seem to be two contradictory misconceptions about dating apps: some people think they’re only for people looking for hookups, while others think they’re only for people looking for relationships. How did this idea take hold?
Well, some apps are deliberately vague about their purpose, trying to be all things for all people. Tinder, one of the most popular dating apps, is a great example: some people swipe for short-term fun, while others use it to look for love. To solve that problem, some apps have decided to specialize, so, for example, Bumble is known as a female-friendly relationship app, while other apps are more deliberately targeted towards short-term flings.
Of course, you’ll want to be using the right dating app to get the job done. Luckily, you’re looking for a casual encounter at a time when new apps and features are constantly evolving to help you find exactly what it is you’re looking for. Not sure which apps to start with?
We’ve put together a list of some of the best dating apps for hooking up, as well as our advice on how to use them to your advantage to get lucky tonight.
How to Use Dating Apps for Hookups
When you’re using apps to find a local hookup, there are a few ground rules to keep in mind that will set you up for success in the long run. The first is deciding what to put on your profile. If you’re truly here for a good time and not a long time (for casual sex instead of a long-term thing), Elite Dating Managers founder Isabel James says that attracting your next casual encounter can be as easy as being upfront in your profile right from the beginning. “Explicitly state that you’re looking for a hookup on your profile,” she says. “Something like: ‘Not looking for a long-term relationship. Looking to have fun tonight!’ makes it clear.” Being direct with your expectations from the get-go means you’ll only be matching with women who are also looking for something casual with no strings attached, saving you the time it’d take to gauge whether or not your matches are here for the same reason as you are. Dating sites work much better if your match knows what you’re looking for, and you’re not being misleading.
As for how to approach potential hookup partners you’ve matched with, transparency and manners are important, as always. “The key to initiating a hookup over a dating app is to exercise patience,” says Caleb Hacke, health and wellness expert at Maple Holistics. “Ultimately, it’s more important to make sure you don’t offend or put off anyone who isn’t interested in a hookup than it is to get your point across as boldly and as quickly as possible.”
Hacke also recommends testing the waters before proposing a hookup. “Try to get flirtatious and see how she responds,” he says. “As long as your would-be hookup partner is matching your flirtatiousness beat for beat without appearing put off or weirded out, you’re not doing anything wrong. You can gradually escalate the nature of your flirting until you’ve advanced to sexual innuendo. At that point, if she still seems interested, you’ve got a green light of sorts to attempt to initiate a hookup.” In summary:
- Look for hookups on hookup apps
- Be upfront about what you’re looking for
- Be flirtatious without being creepy
- Escalate the flirting in tandem with her interest
The Best Apps for Hooking Up
1. OkCupid
Before there were dating apps, there was OkCupid. What started as a traditional online dating site you could only access on your computer has evolved into an app equipped with traditional swiping and messaging functions you’d come to expect in a dating app. It’s also coupled with a more robust written profile that allows users to state things such as interests, what they can’t live without and what a typical Friday night looks like to give potential matches a better feel of the person they’re chatting with. What makes the dating app especially great for finding hookups is the search functionality, hands down. While apps like Tinder and Bumble only allow you to filter by location and age, OkCupid lets you search using keywords found on profiles. In other words, you can see who’s looking for something casual, or type in phrases like “not looking for anything serious.” If you’re kinky, you can also sort matches using your fetish of choice, all while keeping your location and age parameters intact. This is one of the app store’s most popular dating apps for a reason.
Check out OkCupid
2. FriendFinder-X
GettyImages / Friend Finder XIf you don’t have the patience to weed out matches that are explicitly looking for a no strings attached hookup, a quick search on FriendFinder-X will probably make you pretty happy. You can search for potential matches using filters that range from proximity, sexual preferences and even cup size. Too lazy to search? The app has a list of compatible profiles sent to you for your consideration.
Check out FriendFinder-X
3. Adult FriendFinder
GettyImages / Adult Friend Finder One of the oldest, largest and most-trusted hookup sites on the internet, Adult FriendFinder should be on everyone’s short list of hookup apps, first for its massive community of users (hey, more users means more options!) and second for its ease of use. Testifying to its effectiveness, the site has won numerous awards, including Best Adult Dating Site in 2012.
Check out Adult FriendFinder
4. Tinder
GettyImages / TinderTinder is great app for hookups mainly due to the sheer number of users that are on it (a respectable 57 million as of 2019). Finding a willing hookup buddy in your area is undoubtedly a numbers game, and while not everyone on this app is on it for a casual fling, the odds are high that you’ll be able to connect with users that are looking for something casual tonight. Not to mention, it’s beyond easy to use. Create a profile with some photos, choose an age and location range for the person you’re looking for, and start swiping (left to reject, right to accept). If you both dig each other, you’ll be able to send messages to get things started.
Check out Tinder
RELATED: Best Free Dating Sites
5. Pure
GettyImages / PurePure offers a short window for chatting, deleting conversations and photos exchanged between users an hour after they’ve been sent. That means you spend more time getting busy and less time exchanging niceties. It is overtly branded as a hookup app, so you know the intentions of whoever you’re chatting with without having to play the guessing game. Not only does this app protect your anonymity by making messages and images self-destruct, but it’s also free to download. Talk about a win-win.
Check out Pure
Bonus: Best Gay Hookup App
Grindr
GettyImages / GrindrIf you’re in the LGBT+ community, then you’ve almost certainly already heard of Grindr, which is the largest dating/hookup app of its kind, and a pioneer in the field. Creating an account takes no time at all, and then you’re connected to single people near and far. You can interact with people by sending either text or audio messages, and if you like the way the interaction is going, you can even share your locations to facilitate a quick and easy hookup.
Check out Grindr
Lucky
GettyImages / LuckyAll you need to set up an account on Lucky is one single photo. Also, as the site coyly points out, it doesn’t have to be of your face. A hookup app that boasts complete anonymity, there’s no connecting your social accounts or even entering an email address involved. Meaning, you can find what you’re looking for faster, without having to jump through hoops or enter any personal information — other than your location, that is. If you match, you’ve got three hours to respond and get busy, which encourages a sense of urgency for users who are looking to get lucky tonight. Ladies can use the platform for free, but male users will need to pay $19.99 per month after the free month trial is up.
Check out Lucky
Bonus: Best Free Hookup App
DOWN Dating
GettyImages / Down DatingLet’s say, hypothetically, that you already have some potential hookup partners in mind, and that they just so happen to be your friends on Facebook (or friends with your friends on Facebook). Don’t you wish there were some way to see if they were interested in some type of casual arrangement? That’s where DOWN Dating comes in: the app that connects you with your Facebook friends (and friends of friends) who are down to get down. But don’t worry, the lady you have your eye on won’t know you’re down for a hookup unless she says she’s down for one with you, too.
Check out DOWN Dating
Bonus: Best Fetish Hookup App
FetL
GettyImages / FetLIf you’re in the market for a hookup that satisfies a particular fetish, look no further than the FetL app, a dating app that connects local singles with shared fetish interests. This app packs all of the GPS features of Grindr (read: you can find out if there’s anyone who’s into the same fetish as you at the bar you’re at), with the ease of Tinder’s swipe left/right functionality to make finding a fetish hookup easier than it’s ever been before. “When I’d meet people in clubs, they almost always told me that they found it difficult to meet people who shared their fetishes,” Iris Li, one of the co-founders of FetL explains. She created FetL to help fill the gap, and users have been getting their needs met ever since.
Check out FetL
Bonus: Best Hookup App for Couples
CasualX
GettyImages / CasualX If you like the ease of Tinder but are searching exclusively for hookups (or even a third person to complete a threesome) and only want to match with people of the same mindset, CasualX bills itself as “Tinder minus marriage-minded daters.” The app’s functionalities are pretty much identical to Tinder, with the main (and, maybe only difference) being that no one here is trying to find anything serious. Using an app where everyone’s on the same page undoubtedly increases your success rate for finding a warm, willing body to spend the night with, which makes CasualX an ideal app for hookups.
Check out CasualX
Bonus: Best Local Hookup App
BeNaughty
GettyImages / Be NaughtyA niche app with a wide user base (over 13 million and counting), BeNaughty has both a wide audience and the right audience for finding a partner who’s down for an easy night of fun. Not to mention, you can maximize your chances of finding a match who’s free thanks to the app’s mass messaging system, which allows you to send out the same message to multiple members at once every 12 hours. The app functions with the same swipe left/right capabilities as a standard dating app, but also allows users to find potential matches via forums and group chats rather than swiping through matches one by one, further increasing your odds of finding what you’re looking for.
Check out BeNaughty
Bonus: Best Anonymous Hookup App
Wild
GettyImages / WildWild provides users with the anonymity that other dating apps don’t. For starters, there’s no social login required. The app also goes the extra mile to verify its users (meaning, you’ll need to send a photo of you giving a thumbs up, which is then checked against the photos you’ve posted to verify it’s really you), helping to take the awkwardness out of meeting up with a potential hookup that looks nothing like her picture. You can also filter by intention, so that you’re not wasting time sorting through matches who are here for something serious. Once you’ve found a hookup for the night, you can set your profile to invisible so that other users aren’t messaging you when you’re, uh, in the middle of something.
Check out Wild
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The 7 Best Dating Sites for Video Game Lovers and Self-Professed Geeks, Revealed
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
As much as online dating has expanded the ways we meet others and find romance, there still remain some stigmas in the online dating world that can make finding that special someone more difficult for some people than others. Ironically, it’s one of the internet’s most popular cultures, those of gamers and self-proclaimed nerds, that often finds it hard to meet others on generic dating sites with similar interests, which is where gamer dating sites come in handy.
These niche gamer dating sites are designed for geeks, nerds, and anyone else who falls into a similar category, such as those who love fantasy and anime. By delivering an online dating environment that is filled with members proudly flying their geek flag, these niche sites remove the stigma and allow gamers to discover matches in a positive, judgement-free zone.
RELATED: A Strategy Guide to Dating a Man and His Video Games
These dating sites don’t just do away with the typical “gamer” stigma, they actually encourage gaming passions, with many allowing you to enter special profile fields that only a gamer would appreciate the answer to, such as your secondary dream car, or let you show off your favorite games so you can find others with similar gaming interests. Some sites even get as detailed as not only letting you showcase what games you like, but also on what platform you prefer to play them, so you can meet other who you could potentially bond with over a gaming session or two.
Read on to discover the best gamer dating sites out there to find that special someone who not only approves of, but, even better, appreciates your inner geekiness.
1. Soulgeek
Tune in to your secret or not-so-secret geek side on a site designed for geek pleasures. Soulgeek calls itself a dating site for those interested in topics such as sci-fi, horror, fantasy, animation, anime, and comics, and matches you with other fan guys or fan gals based on your sexual interest. The site features extensive profile fields with fun and informative multiple choice answers and an auto-search that runs once a week and delivers picks to your email based on the profile field answers you indicate you want in your matches. The site offers various ways to express yourself, including with blogs and videos and has a fun video-game like layout. Profiles are extensive, which lets you really get to know potential matches, and have numerous areas to express your geek passions such as with albums or blogs.
Check out Soulgeek
2. Girl Gamer Dating
Send unlimited messages and communicate freely with others without the need to give away your personal details on Girl Gamer Dating. Signing up only takes a couple of minutes and profiles are always free. There are various advanced features such as music and photo albums to keep you engaged.
The site attracts those who identify as gamers and nerds and, by providing a service to these individuals, gives you a better chance of finding a match with your same interests. You can communicate using the free messaging system for one-on-one chats, or voice your opinion in the forums section where many different topics, gaming and beyond, are discussed. The site prides itself on being free and never asking for credit card or personal info.
Check out Girl Gamer Dating
3. LFGdating
LFGdating stands for “Looking for Group” dating and offers a premium online dating experience that’s 100% free. The site claims to be the #1 dating site for those interested in Twitch, World of Warcraft, Destiny, Pokemon Go, League of Legends, and cosplay. The site prides itself on putting gaming on the backburner (assuming all members game) so users can focus on finding love. The site motto is “for the love of the gamer,” and claims it could have just as easily been “dating first, gaming second.”
It was founded by a high school teacher and a Marine Corps officer who, with the help of VCs, made their stigma-free online dating site become a reality. The site helps streamline the love-finding process by monitoring and removing inactive profiles, protecting your info with “uber” SSL encryption, and responding to customer service requests within 24 hours.
Check out LFG Dating
4. GamerDating
Enter a community of adults looking for love on Gamer Dating, the online dating site that helps you find your “Perfect Player 2.” The site lets you fully express your gaming passion by picking up and adding your favorite games to your library. Just as you add your favorite games, you can search and see what other singles are playing to identify what you have in common with others. Signup is quick and easy and requires you upload a real photo, which means you actually see who others are on the site, rather than just avatars.
The site also insists profiles are kept clean so they’re not offensive to anyone, or filled with solicitations and ads. To get the most out of the site you’ll want to upgrade to a silver or gold gamer status, which gives you unlimited communication options, such as messaging and live chat, as well as rewards in the form of free games.
Check out GamerDating
5. Gaming Passions
Gaming Passions helps fellow gamers find each other and interact. The community site is intended to be both an online dating site, as well as a gaming community where like-minded people can discover others who share their interests. On the online dating scale, the site has everything you’d expect from a modern dating site including photo personals, groups, chats, webcam videos, emails, and forums. As a free social networking site, Gaming Passions offers a solution for those looking for romance, love, friendship, information, and emotional support. Signing up is easy, done through email or Facebook, and at any time there are a few dozen gamers on the site to connect with whom you can easily find using the Who’s Online feature.
Check out Gaming Passions
6. Zoosk
Sure, if you’re a hardcore gamer, you might feel more comfortable socializing primarily with other gamers on a gaming-focused site. But one thing all gamers know is that the more difficult the challenge, the bigger the payoff. Rather than sticking to gamer-centric dating sites and apps, it might be worth giving a mainstream site a chance and trying to find gamers there. From that perspective, why not try Zoosk? As one of the biggest and best dating sites out there — it’s the top-rated site on AskMen — it might not have only gamers, but it might have more gamers than a gamer-dating site just by virtue of its millions of users.
Check out Zoosk
7. Match
Not unlike many of your favorite games, this site has been around since the 1990s — and it’s still one of the biggest and best out there. Given Match’s popularity, you’re still quite likely to find gamers of various stripes on here — and you might be more likely to find female gamers, if that’s what you’re after, since these big sites might feature stronger gender parity than smaller ones focused on a hobby that many consider to be guy-centric. Being upfront in your profile about your love of gaming will be key to weed out potential normies, however.
Check out Match
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We Picked Key Qualities of a Truly Sexy Guy – How Many Do You Possess?
The traditional definition of “sexy,” courtesy of Merriam-Webster, can be something either “sexually suggestive or stimulating,” or “generally attractive or interesting.” But what’s the fun of sticking to tradition?
The idea of what makes someone sexy has drastically shifted throughout the years. The 1960s saw what can only be considered a total revolution when it comes to how people expressed themselves through fashion and the arts. Now, 60 years later, while some might prefer a man who jugs protein shakes, wiping his mouth using his shirt that’s hiding a set of six-pack abs, others aren’t necessarily pining after a purely physical specimen. Personality wise, nice guys don’t necessarily finish last anymore either, proving that even the most average of Joes can still catch the attention of a gorgeous woman from across the bar.
RELATED: The Most Traditional Dude Habits You Can Leave at the Door
As a society, we’re constantly reevaluating what traits in men we think are appealing (along with what we find overtly gross and sexist). That’s why, as it can also be difficult to stay on top of sexiness trends, here’s a comprehensive list of TK things we’ve deemed as sexy behavioral traits that will never go out of style.
- You don’t feel the need to constantly brag about material goods.
- You make sure those close to you are valued and appreciated.
- You know your limits when it comes to drugs and alcohol.
- You know that women are worth more than just their looks.
- You don’t expect to be treated greater than because of your gender.
- You’re respectful even if things don’t go your way.
- You have a strong sense of humor that shines bright.
- You have life goals, even if you’re still on your way to reaching them.
- You’re not helplessly terrified of commitment.
- You know a craft beyond the one that pays your bills.
- You’re not afraid to ask someone out even if it means getting shut down.
- You’re man enough to walk away from a fight instead of instigating it.
- You question the world in an insightful and informed way.
- You’re cultured, well-informed of the world even if it doesn’t necessarily pertain to you directly.
- You value both a classic slow dance and an opportunity to bust a move.
- You’re willing to listen and respect the opinions of others.
- You don’t need to dominate and control others to prove that you’re a man.
- You don’t play games when it comes to texting someone you’re interested in.
- You’re there for your friends when they ask for help.
- You don’t shun beliefs that directly oppose your own.
- You know how to show affection in your own way.
- You’re active enough that it keeps you energized with a good attitude.
- You’re open-minded in regards to identity, gender, sexual orientation and representation.
- You’re not afraid to cry during an emotional movie.
- You take good care of your possessions.
- You’re not afraid to say how you feel, even if it hurts you to do so.
- You hold the door open for others, regardless of their gender, color or creed.
- You participate in philanthropic events and organizations without bragging about it.
- You understand the value of money, savings and investments.
- You can stand out from a pack.
- You know when to put down a wall in order to get close to someone.
- You don’t find the need to take everything personally, and can take a joke.
- You have a great relationship with your parents, valuing quality family time.
- You’re proud of your friends’ successes, praising them instead of putting them down.
- You’re always trying to be a better you.
- You understand consent, asking someone if it’s OK before you touch them in a sexual manner.
- You have conviction in your morals and beliefs.
- You don’t cheat. Period.
- You call your parents to see how they’re doing before they have to call you.
- You have a sexual confidence that has nothing to do with what’s between your legs.
You’ve probably got some work to do.
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Dating During COVID-19 Times Just Got Easier, Courtesy of These New App Features
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The coronavirus has cancelled just about everything. From your spring getaway with the guys to your personal training sessions, things are pretty much at a social distanced standstill. Even the act of putting on normal clothes has slowly become a forgotten art.
But what’s one thing it didn’t cancel? Online dating. Sure, you may not be able to grab drinks or dinner with someone IRL, but all your go-to apps have been adding new features that make it easier to keep dating while you’re social distancing.
RELATED: A Guide to Dating and Finding Love During COVID-19 Times
While this pandemic has probably affected your life in a myriad of ways, there’s no reason why it has to press pause on your love life. As you continue to swipe (because there’s really not much else to do, here are a few dating apps that have added brand new features to assist you in finding love without ever leaving home.
Bumble
With it being insanely difficult to get a vibe check from behind a phone screen, that’s where Bumble’s in-app video chat and voice call features come in. Truth be told, these are not new features to Bumble, but they’ve become increasingly popular these days for obvious reasons.
“With a video chat, it adds that extra dimension in getting to know someone while hearing your date’s voice and seeing their smile,” says online dating expert Julie Spira. “While texting and messaging are important to create a flow and to build continuity, going on a video date is the next best thing to being there. When you ramp up your dating game with a video chat, you’re letting your date know that you’re investing more towards the relationship.”
Keep in mind that women get the option to call or video chat immediately after matching with you. Men, on the other hand, have to wait for their match to make the first move. After you receive that icebreaker message, you’ll see a video icon and a phone icon in the top right-hand corner of the conversation screen. The best part? You won’t even have to exchange phone numbers to meet face-to-face or hear each other’s voices.
Match
Thinking about reaching out to an ex during quarantine? Not sure how to set up an awesome date over video chat? No matter what dating conundrum you’re dealing with, Match may be able to help you figure it out. The company’s new Dating while Distancing hotline is staffed by a team of experts who are down to advise you on any of your dating-related questions and concerns, or to just provide an ear for listening. The hotline is totally free to use, available Monday through Friday between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. CST.
Tinder
Whether you’re curious how daters in other countries are faring, or you just want to learn how to say “hey” in another language, Tinder Passport is here to save the day. The feature, which is typically only reserved for paid Tinder Plus and Gold subscribers, is now free for all users through April 30. Just drop a pin anywhere in the world to start swiping through all your prospects. After that, you can begin chatting with others at the destination of your choice.
To change your location using Passport, just tap your profile icon, open “settings” and scroll down and tap “location.” While you can only virtually date in one city at a time, you can change your location as many times as you wish. Who knows? You could very well spark up an international romance without ever leaving home.
Plenty of Fish
Another unique way to vet your matches is by using the new LIVE! Feature on Plenty of Fish, allowing you to record and watch livestreams from quarantine, a la Instagram Live. It’s currently available in more than 80 percent of the U.S. (mainly areas that are most impacted by the coronavirus), and will be rolled out across the globe by the end of April.
Just tap the “LIVE!” icon within the app to get started. From there, you can see who’s viewing your stream, search for other streams nearby, leave flirty comments on the ones that make an impression, and eventually move your convo to a private message.
When live-streaming, you can also choose to play NextDate, a game that emulates speed dating by allowing streamers to share 90 seconds of live video chatting with potential matches. If you hit it off with any of your virtual dates, you can choose to transition the convo to one-on-one video.
“With the NextDate feature and other video speed dating apps — which will rise in popularity now — if someone shows up in the queue who isn’t your type, you won’t have to invest extra time chatting if you’re not feeling it,” adds Spira.
The League
This app prides itself on being picky for you. Not only does it personalize prospects to your liking, but it only shows you people who you actually have a shot with. Best of all, The League has a slew of features that will come in handy while you’re isolating, like the 10-second video trailer you can add to your profile to show off your personality (and win over potential matches, of course). You can also arrange one-on-one video dates with any of your matches via the messages tab.
League Live, a live speed dating session, also offers another awesome shortcut for testing out the chemistry. After you’re matched with three users in your area that fit your preferences, you’ll go on a 3-minute video date with each to see if the sparks fly.
According to The League, people who match through video date are 3.5x more likely to exchange digits and meet offline, and the match rate for League Live is 3x the rate of the rest of the app.
With the odds definitely in your favor, what are you waiting for? Change out of those sweats you’ve been wearing for three days in a row, run a little pomade through your hair and get ready to make a killer first impression right from your couch.
Once you start feeling a connection with a match on your app of choice, Spira advises putting some thought into your virtual dates with them. Her favorite ideas include using the Netflix Party Chrome Extension, which allows you and your date to stream the same show or a movie simultaneously from your homes, as well as posting your comments and reactions.
Spira also suggests scheduling a virtual happy hour over video chat where both of you can bring your “quarantini” of the day. If that goes well, graduate to a dinner date where you cook the same meal from your own kitchens or talk about your day over a delivery meal.
“Whether you use Zoom or FaceTime, at the end of your virtual date, you should make plans to schedule another video date to keep the spark alive,” she adds.
Who said you can’t find love from the comfort of your own couch?
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Looking for Long-Term Love? Try These Dating Apps
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
Dating apps were created to make finding your next relationship easier. With so many different platforms to choose from (and plenty of members signed on for a good time, not a long time), trying to find a match who’s here for the right reasons can feel kind of impossible. If you’re starting to get burned out from your online search for “the one,” it might be time to reevaluate your strategy — and the apps that you’re using — in order to find her. If this sounds a lot like your current online dating life, it’s time to rethink the process and platforms you’ve become accustomed to, and try using something new.
We asked a few dating experts for their best tips and advice on which dating apps will help you find a match who’s also looking for commitment. Here are some recommendations for the best apps to use if you’re ready to settle down, along with a few smart strategies that will help you find her in no time.
Finding a Serious Relationship
Are you done with the awkward hookups and unsatisfying one-night stands? Do you yearn to spend time with someone you care about, and are excited to see on a regular basis? Are you looking to be attracted to someone’s mind and spirit, rather than just their body? These are signs that you’re ready for a serious relationship, and in the age of hookup culture, that can confusing.
How do you separate the potential relationship partners from all the casual daters? How do you put yourself out there without getting hurt? Nowadays, one of the easiest ways to find a relationship involves using the right dating apps for your needs, and screening out those people who aren’t looking for a relationship. Below, you’ll find advice on how to do that, as well as which apps offer you the best chance of finding a significant other.
How to Use Dating Apps to Find a Serious Relationship
If you’re struggling to find what you want on a dating app (read: someone who’s interested in finding a serious relationship), one challenge you may be up against is that you’re not sure what your matches are looking for. Elena Murzello, author of “The Love List: A Guide to Getting What You Want,” says to take a cue from this, and make your own intentions clear on your profile. “Saying, ‘I’m interested in marriage and settling down immediately’ comes across too strong,” she says, “but something like, ‘I’m looking for a committed relationship’ opens up the conversation.” When writing your bio, Murzello says to keep it short and sweet, and include what a potential long term partner would want to know about you. “Complete a solid profile. Having photos that showcase your personality is key: Do they invite others to want to get to know the real you? Keep in mind that no one has time to read a novel, so write succinctly and include your interests!”
RELATED: Best Dating Apps for Hooking Up
As far as determining whether or not your matches are here for the real thing, Murzello says a picture’s worth a thousand words. “Look at the photos carefully,” she suggests. “Are these all half-naked photos? Maybe the person is looking for a hot hookup. Are they half drunken photos? She’s probably partying and not looking for something serious.” Low-quality photos or profiles without a bio are also signs that this person isn’t putting much effort in, and isn’t looking for something serious.
The time of day or night that you’re typically chatting with a match can also be a telltale sign of what she’s looking for. “Pay attention to when they’re making conversation with you,” says Lauren Levine, dating expert and co-host of The Margarita Confessionals. “Is it during the workday when they’re bored and trying to pass the time? Is it really late at night? This is probably someone who’s not looking for a relationship. Also, the conversation should have substance to it. If it’s just, ‘How was your weekend?’ or ‘What are you doing today?’ for days on end, they’re probably not looking to get to know you on a deeper level.”
Levine says to also keep this rule of thumb in mind when you’re messaging matches. “If they have a real conversation and want to get to know you as well, they’re probably interested in something more,” she says. “If you’re getting one-line responses, they’re probably not trying to invest in someone. Also, meet up as soon as you feel comfortable. It’s so much easier to understand what someone is like and what they’re looking for when you’re with them face to face.”
The Best Dating Apps for Relationships
Coffee Meets Bagel
The more potential matches you have, the more likely it is that you’re going to find the right woman for you, right? According to James Anderson, dating expert at Beyond Ages, this way of thinking can actually end up backfiring when you’re in the market for something more serious. “Many dating apps and dating sites are essentially a numbers game,” he says. “You look through hundreds of profiles, message dozens of people, and maybe get a few dates. With Coffee Meets Bagel things are very different. You receive a daily match that is properly filtered to be in line with what you are looking for. Since you only get one match a day, each person actually takes the time to review the match instead of making a decision in two seconds based on the photo.”
Check out Coffee Meets Bagel
Match.com
.You’ve seen the commercials, you’ve heard the success stories, and while you’ve probably toyed with the idea of putting money behind your search for a relationship, you still haven’t pulled the trigger. If you haven’t recognized the theme here, let us be straightforward with you: The more involved a dating app is, the less likely users will use it for low-commitment casual encounters. There are plenty of functionalities you get with Match that make the process more straightforward, from algorithms that point out similarities when viewing profiles to the ability to upload more than a handful of photos, so that you get a fuller picture of the person you’re chatting with.
Check out Match.com
The League
The League operates under a similar limited match system as Coffee Meets Bagel. In fact, you may even have to wait to sign up, whether that’s a few days or a few months depending on the user base available where you live. After you jump through those hoops, you’re given three matches per day based on the preferences that you outline, which include proximity and age. While getting started on The League can take a while, the app’s acceptance process does ensure that the people using it are taking it seriously. The League will actually kick inactive users off after two weeks, which ensures the people you’re matching with are actually using it.
Check out The League
Bumble
Online dating burnout can happen to anyone, but for relationship-focused women who are getting grimy messages sent to their dating app inboxes on the regular, this can end up making them throw the towel in. Bumble combats this by making the app’s messaging features ladies’ choice. “One of the biggest turn offs from online dating is that women are absolutely bombarded with messages from guys,” explains Anderson. “This can turn a lot of eligible women off and lead to some uneven power dynamics with many online sites. With Bumble, once you match with a potential partner the woman must make the first move. This allows for a better experience for women, a high quality of users, and overall a better experience for everyone.”
Check out Bumble
Elite Singles
If you’re tired of trying to determine your compatibility with potential matches based on a few photos and the three emojis they include in their bio, look no further than Elite Singles. In order to sign up, members need to complete a comprehensive personality test, which is then used to identify matches in your area. After you’re signed up, the site sources 7-10 potential matches per day, which eliminates the time suck of swiping back and forth, and makes for a more commitment-oriented user base (because no one in their right mind is going to spend 45 minutes on a questionnaire if they’re just trying to get lucky).
Check out Elite Singles
OkCupid
In case you haven’t been paying attention to billboard ads, the O.G. dating site OkCupid is having a rebranding moment, positioning themselves as a relationship-focused app. This means chances are high that single women in your area have recently re-downloaded this app in hopes that this isn’t some false advertising. Commercials aside, there are features on OkCupid that lend well to finding a match that’s looking for the same level of commitment you are. For starters, the platform features a more comprehensive profile, which allows members to fill out their interests, what their typical Friday night looks like and what they’re doing with their lives, giving you a more well-rounded idea of who you’re chatting with. You can also search using keywords (think “commitment” or “looking for something serious”). Depending on how many questions your match has answered on issues that are typically off the table for first date talk like politics and religion, you’re also given a percentage of compatibility to see what your odds are.
Check out OkCupid
Once
Similar to Coffee Meets Bagel (and true to its name), Once gives you one match per day based on your preferences. You also won’t come across any blurry, low quality photos on the app, since there’s a team that verifies each profile photo uploaded to ensure it’s of good quality (which can take up to 24 hours). While not as extensive as some of the other apps on this list, there are a list of questions you’ll have to answer in order for the app to start curating potential matches. Your daily match expires within 24 hours, which means users stay engaged in order to make sure they don’t miss out.
Check out Once
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